|
2003-06-10 - 5:30 p.m. The "L" word Love. It’s a verb. It’s something that you do, not something that you have or something you find or something you’re in. It’s something that I do with the whole of my being. When I have chosen to love someone, it is forever. I have never stopped loving anyone I’ve ever loved (even if the nature of our relationship changed). I’ve been very wary of the phrase “falling in love” – because that state of being is most vulnerable. It’s pretty easy to get blindsided when you’re “in love”. I maintained that the whole “in love” state was merely infatuation and faded quickly. The most significant instance of being “in love” that I can remember was right before my first experience with intercourse (which as you may or may not remember, was not consensual). So the whole “in love” thing is strongly linked to betrayal (at least in my experience – I hope that it’s not that way for everyone). And yet, you should know by now that I wouldn’t even be mentioning it if it wasn’t a current factor in my life. No, you’re not going to get any more on that right now. The more astute readers (like the dragon) will know exactly what this all refers to – and by saying so little, I’ll be speaking volumes. And then there are those who will be confused, regardless. People who are too emotionally available, like my ex-husband who was a walking open emotional wound – who was so emotionally available that he was emotionally up my ass most of the time – I’d like to continue to avoid. Baggage is OK, but there should be bright spots and coping skills. [And I’m not talking about the coping saw made by SKILL!] And people who are emotionally unavailable, while at first seeming “safe” or at least safer aren’t really either of those things. If I can manage to not get emotionally involved myself, it’s just a convenient fuck. And if I do get emotionally involved, it’s a one-sided thing, which can be very frustrating and ultimately not good for the self-esteem. I don’t want to be a booty call or a convenient fuck. I don’t want someone to constantly depend on me emotionally - or to do that to another person either. I want the kind of relationship where there’s a balance of separateness and togetherness. I want to look out at the world in the same direction. While there’s much that I enjoy sharing with a significant other, I need to have my own life, my own interests, my own friends even. I have worked quite hard on being a whole person all by myself. I don’t want to lose that just because there’s someone else in my life. I don’t want to only be part of a pair. And at the same time I want to be able to reconnect with someone, recount the day together. And Heaven help me, I want to go out on actual dates. So I’m a vain girlie girl and I want to be taken out sometimes. I want to be a priority in someone else’s life. And I’m starting to realize more and more that I actually deserve all these things. And that I shouldn’t settle for less. Unfortunately, translating this realization into practice proves difficult. The brain understands and accepts. The heart and the self-esteem are having trouble. But I’m working on it.
|