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2003-06-27 - 3:55 p.m. So many people today (yes, myself included) seem to wander through life and wander through relationships, searching for something and not finding it. Jumping from relationship to relationship. Searching for human connection. I think that what the search is for is intimacy. Not just physical intimacy (that can be found easily enough these days), but emotional intimacy as well. Some dive into a relationship and get too attached too quickly – so desperate for that connection that they fall into serious codependency (often mistaking codependency for intimacy). What most of the rest of the people wind up finding is sex (yes, myself included). But sex is not necessarily intimate. Even good sex (even REALLY good sex) can lack intimacy (and at least for me lately, often does). And I’ve often pointed out that kissing can be more intimate than sex, but that’s another journal entry in and of itself. When a relationship is new, there’s always the exciting nervousness of getting to know someone physically (and to a lesser extent mentally, emotionally, etc.). But that fades quickly. And if there isn’t more substance to the relationship than that, well … it winds up being largely unfulfilling. People today get “bored” with their relationships (of course people today get “bored” with far too many things, but I’ll pull out my soapbox for that talk another time). Maybe it’s not that they’re bored or fickle. Maybe it’s just that there’s a serious lack of intimacy out there. Nobody seems to know how to build it. And the thing is, one of the major components is time. (OK, here’s where I’m going to have to drag out the soapbox soon) People in this instant-gratification driven society don’t want to put time into anything. If you can’t have instant intimacy, then just have instant chemistry, but as we’ve already established, chemistry is often not enough. I don’t have the solution for this problem. I’m not sure there is one. But On the other hand, when you’ve known someone for a long time and have common history, you know that this person knows you – knows things about you that most others don’t, and accepts you as you were, as you are, and as you will be. And still likes you – still loves you (on whatever level – and there are many shades and facets of loving). It’s nice to not have to hide anything. To not have to put up walls or shields – and even if you do, they know how to gently get around, over, or through them without damaging anything.. To know their history and love them too. To not have to explain your thought processes because they’re making the mental leaps with you – because they know how your mind works. To be able to level with them – without a trace of pretension. Think about it – we often have more intimacy with our longstanding or close friends than with our lovers. Maybe it really is better to be friends first. To stay up far too late talking because you just enjoy each other’s company – and to cover many varied topics along the way. Where a smile comes easily and silence does not need to be filled with something. Where physical proximity is not awkward or forced. To be able to have “pillow talk” without having to have sex first – or at all. To fall asleep intertwined and both sleep peacefully. It’s what most people are really looking for.
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